Last

My heart hurts a lot. Leaving is not easy and Bhutan is still impossible to describe.

I wanted to write a post about things I will miss. Then I wanted to write a post about things I take for granted after living here for a year. Then I thought about writing a post about things I’m looking forward to in order to help myself with the transition. But these are all shit ideas. Words do not describe the people I’ve met, the experiences I’ve had, or the ways in which I’ve changed. Much of this I haven’t fully processed myself. All I know is that my heart hurts when I force myself to confront the fact that I have less than 48 hours left in this country.

I read Slyvia Plath’s “The Bell Jar” earlier this year and in it her characters says,

“I saw my life branching out before me like the green fig tree in the story.

            From the tip of every branch, like a fat purple fig, a wonderful future beckoned and winked. One fig was a husband and a happy home and children, and another fig was a famous poet and another fig was a brilliant professor, and another fig was Ee Gee, the amazing editor, and another fig was Europe and Africa and South America, and another fig was Constantin and Socrates and Attila and a pack of other lovers with queer names and offbeat professions, and another fig was an Olympic lady crew champion, and beyond and above these figs were many more figs I couldn't quite make out.”

“I saw myself sitting in the crotch of this fig tree, starving to death, just because I couldn't make up my mind which of the figs I would choose. I wanted each and every one of them, but choosing one meant losing all the rest, and, as I sat there, unable to decide, the figs began to wrinkle and go black, and, one by one, they plopped to the ground at my feet”

… Hello biggest fear of my life. For a long time I’ve been afraid of growing old and realizing too late that I hadn’t made the most with my life, or made a wrong decision somewhere along the road.

What I can see now, however, is that these decisions don’t have to be scary and limiting. They can be the most empowering and enabling aspect of our lives.

A fellow teacher, and a very good friend, Alex Rothman, has made a few videos about his time in Bhutan. His last video is titled “The Unbearable Lightness of Being in Bhutan.” In the video he talks about chance and how randomly our lives are shaped. Apart from an incredible representation of Bhutan in the last three minutes that makes me tear up, he shows a different take on how our lives are shaped.

It's true that there are countless unknown variables in my life that could have prevented my coming to Bhutan if things had been slightly different. I have no idea if my time in Bhutan was because of chance, making the right decisions, randomness, fate, or some other mysterious magical pull Bhutan was able to have over me. All I know is that I ended up here and I am better for it. 

There are a lot of outside variables that will affect the life choices that I am able to make. But I choose to have faith in life that if I continue to make them based on curiosity and being open to any love that comes my way, that I'll end up in the right places. 

I still have no idea who I am. And I am excited about that. The world is full of knowledge and understandings that I have yet to encounter, people to meet, and lessons to learn. I am less sure about everything, and more confident that it’s exactly how I’m supposed to feel.Every year that we live changes us. This has been the most beautiful year of change in my life.

However I do love the person that I am in Bhutan and I fear that when I go home I will lose that. I didn’t expect to meet other foreigners that would impact my life so drastically. In them, I see glimpses of the person that I want to grow into. That means my next big challenge will be to resist falling back into old habits and make a conscious effort to carry lessons that I’ve learned in Bhutan with me as I move on.

And it will truly be a challenge considering that I’m not ready to move on. I don’t know how it’s possible for me to pack my bag right now, yet I have no choice. If I had been a better learner this year I would be more at peace with the impermanence of this experience, but I find myself entirely attached to this place and it’s people.

My vice principal has said to me that everyone we meet in our life somehow impacted one of our past lives. If that is the case, then I can only hope that in any future life, or hopefully in the future of this life, I will again meet with the people I now call friends and family.

If you enjoyed Alex's video, here's another one that shows the Fourth King's birthday celebrations at his school which closely mirror the celebrations had at my school,